Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson 2010

“My dear Watson” remarked Sherlock Holmes as I entered his rooms at the Baker Street Residential Home for Fictional Victorian Detectives, “I see you are wearing the latest head-wear from the American colonies.The baseball cap.”

“Your astuteness exceeds no bounds” I replied.

“I have written over 150 observations on the peculiar nature of this attire, with 58 thesis on its various positions on the cranium. I note you wear yours back to front.”

“It's the fashion" said I.

"It's a mid-life crisis" said he.

“I was recently aiding Inspector Lestrade on a most illuminating case involving a rather garish bonnet emblazoned with I Love NY on its brim.”

“Fascinating!” I replied whilst attempting to stifle a yawn.

“So where have you been all these years Watson?” said he, “Still in practice? I see that you walked here and that you have recently eaten noodles at a Chinese restaurant”.

“Really Holmes” I said “It wouldn’t take a detective to reach that conclusion. Especially as the Golden Mandarin Takeaway is just across the road and I have remains of Chow Mein down my t-shirt.”

“You have become far too cynical in your dotage old fellow” Holmes replied. “You take the skills I honed and regard them with flighty disdain. However, I'm not familiar with the wording on your vest. Stuff Shlockoms? Is that the tailor of such garments?"

"Oh! Yes" I replied, only just realising that the stains had hidden parts of his name.

“For Gods sake Holmes” I said with respectful frustration, “Get into the 21st Century. This pretence of Victorian nostalgia and vintage vocabulary is affecting your mind.”

“Watson, did I not impart to you once that there is no room for clutter in my brain. That there is only so much space in it that must be solely dedicated to the peculiar and challenging observations of the human trait and psyche?”

“I do recall such a statement long ago, yes” I said, as I was replacing my nicotine patch.

“And did I not also say that it matters little to me whether the Earth revolves around the Sun, or the Sun around the Earth, as there is little that I can do about it?”

“Indeed you did” I replied.

“Observe around you Watson” he said waving his arms flamboyantly “My library, my notes, my files, my cases!”

“I see them" said I, "but isn’t it time you learned to switch on the lights? After all, those paraffin lamps create a shocking stink! And you really should stop smoking and taking opium, such behaviour is frowned upon these days.”

“My dear Watson you’ve turned into a shocking politically correct prude. Tell me” he continued “have the Boche crossed the Siegfried Line yet?”

“If you are referring to the Great War, it is over.”

“What? Only last week I had infiltrated a dastardly Hun plot which planned to poison the Municipal and Metropolitan Water Works.”

“There is no such thing Holmes. Such titles for civic bodies are archaic”

“You disappoint me Watson, and you've become a frightful slob. Call Mrs Hudson for a cold supper and meanwhile warm yourself by the fire with a glass of sherry and a cigar.

"I was recently given some fine Havanas as reward for solving the mysterious case of the kidnapped Spanish noble, non other than Don Xavier el del Don Juan”.

“My dear Holmes” I said with exasperation “I have only called to tell you that the BBC has reinvented you for the modern technological era, and made three episodes entitled Sherlock. I must say I don't recognise you in them at all, although your idiosyncrasies are prominent."

“The BBC? Kindly take out my reference on the shelf. I’m sure I have a most thorough study about it.”

“I think not” said I, whilst momentarily glancing at my facebook page on my iphone, “The BBC is the United Kingdom's national and global broadcaster on television, radio and the internet.”

“You are such a bore Watson. Have you a touch of sunstroke? You'll be telling me next that the railways don't run on steam anymore, and that there is only one postal delivery a day! Perhaps your old war wound is playing up? I always thought that your experiences in Afghanistan would effect you one day.

"Thank goodness the British Empire has learnt its lesson and won’t get involved in that country ever again.”

“Goodbye Holmes” I said despairingly.

“Wait Watson! What is that strange device under your arm?”

“It’s an iPad old chap. I can read the newspapers on it."

“Watson!” He exclaimed with horror. “Don’t you buy the London Times anymore?”

“I do, but I must subscribe to it and access it on my iPad.”

“What a strange world you live in Watson. Goodbye dear friend.”