Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson 2010 part 2

Regular readers will be aware from my last instalment that I have been visiting my good friend Sherlock Holmes in his retirement.

Sadly he tends to live in the past, and has difficulty keeping abreast with 21st Century technology....

"Watson! You have returned."

Holmes was fiddling with an iPod as I entered his rooms at the Baker Street Residential Home for Fictional Victorian Detectives.

"This device is remarkable" he said whilst simultaneously conducting chemical experiments with a toy Bunsen burner. "Do you know" he continued "that I can listen to Mendelssohn if I attach it to my phonograph that was given to me by the Earl of Filofax. I assisted him in the curious case of the missing halifax of 1986".

"I think you mean 1886" I said despairingly. "And it was the Earl of Halifax. I fear you are bordering on malapropism."

"You are such a yuppie" he replied. "Have you forgotten so soon that the case revolved around the brilliant Moriarty, that dastardly devil who I thwarted when he attempted to flood the markets with the Betamax azimuth magnetic helical scan synthetic polymer. I have a sample here in a bowl - behold!"

"That's Wheatabix Holmes" I sighed. "It's your breakfast."

"Watson. I despair of you. It clearly says on the exterior packaging that with a modicum of liquid from a mammalian mammary gland it will provide entertainment throughout the day. Although I cannot see its function. It goes very soggy and clogs up the machine. Be seated dear friend and avail yourself of one of Mrs Hudson's fine cold suppers! Is that the eye-padded visual device you had last time I saw you?"

"No" I responded with sudden animation, realising he was referring to the iPad which I had with me on the last visit "It is an Amazon Kindle. I have 1000 books in it which I can read at my leisure."

"A thousand books?" he said with raised eyebrows "When on Earth do you have time to read them? I do despair with you Watson. But then again you are a general medical practitioner and presumably you merely issue prescriptions all day or refer your patients to specialists. I do hope you have the Complete Works of Arthur Conan Doyle on it. I met him once you know. A very odd chap and prone to excitable prose. He created a detective who was quite preposterous!"

"As If" I thought. Holmes has always been curt, but that negative reference to my profession was hurtful. Which reminds me I must take my Mercedes in for a service.

"Personally" he continued "I prefer Agatha Christie. Have you heard of Poriot? An odd Belgium investigator who was accompanied by a dimwit called Hastings. In fact I think he has rooms next door. He called only yesterday to borrow some sugar. 'Monsieur Holmes’ he said ‘I have reason to suspect you have a powdery white substance in a receptacle on your dinner table n'est-ce pas?’

"I thought he’d clicked my opium supply until he waxed lyrical on his love of Columbian coffee.You should read those books Watson. They stretch the imagination somewhat, but even Conan-Doyle believed in fairies at the bottom of the garden."

Really Holmes" I said "I hope you are not making comparisons with Hastings and me?"

"Not at all, my dear friend. Hastings and Poirot are fictional characters, where as you are as real as this chocolate bar in front of me."

"That is an Apple iPhone Holmes" I remarked (You've got the jist now dear reader) "It enables telecommunication similar to an old bakelite telephone except it is wireless but with the further advantage of accessing the internet. I'm surprised you have one."

"It's all me, me and I, I, with you Watson. Don't you think of anyone but yourself?"

"It's certainly not an apple Watson. I think you've been reading too much H.G. Wells on you’re Amazonian Krinkle. I've been trying to get the wrapper off for the past 48 hours. I even showed it to Inspector Lestrade of Scotland Yard who suggested it was a Hershey Bar - an inferior cocoa product from the colonies. I think I shall try Cadbury's Dairy Milk. I may get a better signal."

“Actually Cadbury is now owned by Kraft Foods" I replied pedantically "and they don’t make telephones.”

“Kraft Foods? Surely they are a Dutch cheese company?" Holmes observed. "Where do you get your strange ideas from Watson? On the subject of cheese, I have made an in-depth study of 6,887 global varieties which aided the Metropolitan Police in their search for the missing cheese and curd maker in the Case of the Great Cheddar Gorge Mystery of 1910. Surely you remember that Watson?”

"Goodbye Holmes." As usual I would leave him to reminisce. "Take care and enjoy the iPod. By the way - you should stick it in your ear."

It was only afterwards I remembered with horror that I should have mentioned the necessary headphones.

A few days later a report in the London Times said that an elderly man had been admitted to hospital with an mp4 player wedged in his ear. Surgeons spent several hours extracting the device, but they said it was a very pleasant and successful operation performed to the strains of Mendelssohn’s Violin Concerto in E minor, Op 64.

On the same day a dapper Belgian was arrested in Hyde Park for being under the influence of a narcotic. His defence that his coffee had been laced by Sherlock Holmes the great Victorian detective did not fool the magistrates. He was sectioned and is currently in a drug rehabilitation unit for an indefinite period.